Grandpa Daycare now enrolling

Now enrolling for the Winter session of Grandpa Daycare! Experienced, professional Grandpa provides the following services:

  • Unlimited allowance of mustache and hair pullingSupervised cartoon-a-thons
  • Nonstop serenading of tunes from above-watched cartoons
  • All You Can Eat Cheerios from a well-worn Ziploc baggie in provider’s coat pocket
  • Constant text updates to parent from flip phone
  • Diaper changing 4-6 times per hour (*dirty diapers not guaranteed to end up in the diaper pail)
  • Wash ‘n Wear Service: Should baby ingest too many prunes and explode through two sets of clothes, Grandpa will spot launder and dry clothes with a hair dryer for no extra fee!
  • Love guaranteed to exceed all previous known measures

Tuition: Provider accepts payment in the form of unlimited toast and bottomless decaf.

Hurry, only one spot open!  All applicants required to be named “Posey.”

 

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Diary of a Whiny Kid

I’d like to add an epilogue to yesterday’s post where I looked back with fondness at the easiness of my baby.  My almost 14-month-old is a different story.

5:00 p.m.: You’re really tired.  Put you down for a nap; screamed like Mickey Mouse Clubhouse got cancelled.  Fed you dinner instead.

7:30: Bedtime.  What an angel!  Right to sleep!  Looks like we won’t be having the kind of night we’ve had all week.

11:59: Wrong.  Stirring.  Put your pacifier back in your mouth.  All quiet.

12:00 a.m.: More stirring.  Put your pacifier back in your mouth.  Again.

12:02: Repeat above.

12:03: All hell breaks loose.  Did someone break in your room and try to murder Minnie Mouse in front of you? Cause that’s how your acting.  Diaper change does nothing to help.

12:06: You shove the bottle Dada tries to give you away.

12:19: Dada and I stand over your crib, cursing you, and asking what we did to deserve this. “This” meaning YOU.

12:20: I figure out it’s karma for writing this. You have done this every night for four nights.  I  am sick for the hundredth time since your birth.  I’m really, really tired. Cat #1 comes in the room and starts meowing at the top of his lungs, because it feels like the right thing to do.

12:26: Wait, do you want to come into our bed? And then,  at 12:27 a.m. on November 29th, 2012, a line was crossed: She came into our bed and stared at the ceiling and twirled her hair like she did this every night. She really owned the space.

12:47: You snuggle up close to me, and I consider that between the pumpkin in my arms, the nice man across from me, and Cat #1 curled up inside the number 4-shape my legs are in, this might be the greatest moment of my life.

12:59: I put you back in bed, and you go to sleep. Peacefully.  Dada and I embrace like it’s 1945 and the War is over.

1:06 a.m.: Cat #2, who sleeps locked in the office because otherwise she wails like she’s a patient at Briarcliff Asylum all night, begins hurling her entire body weight against the door. Over and over.  The loud thud wakes you up, and WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

We start all over.

Marissa Mayer, I Ain’t Mad Atcha

Yahoo CEO Marissa Mayer is getting a lot of flack this week– mostly from the very network of moms that are supposed to be supportive.  You know, that great big nurturing web of womanhood where we all help each other out.  First, they came at her all, “I can’t WAIT to say ‘I told you so'” when she announced she would only take a two-week maternity leave.  And guess what?  After her son was born, that’s exactly what she did.  Now she’s back, and she’s getting more crap than ever.  Why?  Because the very moms who are pissed they can’t say “I told you so” are now practically outside her office with pitchforks and torches because of these words, spoken at Fortune‘s Most Powerful Women dinner:

The baby’s been way easier than everyone made it out to be. I think I’ve been really lucky that way, but I had a very easy, healthy pregnancy.  He’s been easy. So those have been the two really terrific surprises — the kid has been easier, and the job has been fun!

How dare she?!  Who does she think she is!?  She’s demeaning our mom work!  She’s  minimizing the spinning plates act every working mom is one second away from dropping! She is ruining everything, for everyone, forever!

Marissa, what can I say? Haters gonna hate.

When Posey was born, she spent three weeks in the NICU.  This, admittedly, was not easy and would have used up 1/4 of my maternity leave, had I stayed at my job.  My heart broke for the moms I watched rush in and rip their shirts off like Clark Kent around 5 p.m. every day, when I had the luxury of all the time in the world.  They wanted to save their leave for when their babies came home, and that made sense. Now THAT I can’t imagine. Going back to work like four days after birthing.  I walked to J. Crew with my now-sister-in-law to help her try on a wedding dress four days after Po was born, and I seriously wanted a medal.  An engraved, platinum, on-a-red-white-and-blue-ribbon medal.    I wanted to scream from the top of the 900 North Michigan building, “I HAD A BABY FOUR DAYS AGO! AND NOW I’M SHOPPING! I’M AMAZING!” But I didn’t.

Maybe that’s how you feel in your office.  I hope you do.  Know what?  I had an easy baby, too.  She slept a lot.  So I took her out.  Everywhere, basically.  She napped in her car seat in the corner of the pilates studio.  We went out to lunch.  To the doctor.  Target.  And then Target again.  Yes, I know I wasn’t running Yahoo!  But before I was a mom– in fact, for my entire life– people told me that having a baby was the hardest, worst, most exhausting, most head-beating-against-the-wall thing ever.  To the point that I wondered why people did it.  And it turned out IT WASN’T THAT BAD.  But only in the way that The Artist couldn’t be as good as everyone told me.  In the way that Liz & Dick didn’t make we want to gouge my eyeballs out of my face.  Most things aren’t as good or as bad as people tell you.  So Marissa, if you were talking to the same people I was, then no– having a baby IS easier than people told you.

Then again, let’s think of what “easy” means to you.  You are running a Fortune 500 company.  Face it, most people– moms or not– can’t do that.  You are also 37 years old.  So you are most likely a lot more driven than most people.  Your version of “easy” is not the same as most peoples’.  It’s a semantics thing.  I couldn’t do what you did, so I didn’t.  To each their own.

So back off, Judgy Moms.  You’re being hypocritical.  Stop casting Mayer as the Chris Brown opposite your Jenny Johnson in your parenting play.  She’s entitled to say it’s easy if, in fact, it is for her.

But let’s all check in with her again when Macallister hits six months– ’cause once those little buggers start staying awake longer, all bets are off.

Christmas Gifts for Stay-At-Home Moms

I recently posted Posey’s Wishlist.  And now… here are a few things that could solve my (superficial) problems this holiday season.  Something to think about for the stay at home mom on your list this year.

I’m Tired.

  • Oprah gave away these delightful Tempur-Pedic Cloud Supreme beds to heroic military spouses on her Favorite Things show.  I ooh’ed and ah’ed so much that Beef asked if it was worth him enlisting.  Maybe.
  • If that’s not in the budget, might I suggest My Pillow? I watched the infomercial last month and fell in love.  Plus, who wouldn’t want to drift off into ZZZland thinking of this guy’s face?

(It’s important for me to note here that Posey sleeps through the night like a champ.  But the cat does not.)

I Look Bad.

  • Not getting dressed to go to an office every day means that some days my face slips through the cracks that are, strangely enough, now on my face.  That’s where the Urban Decay Naked 2 Palette comes into play.  Once the salesperson at Sephora told me she loved her original Naked Palette so much that she brought it to China. I didn’t buy it, because I wasn’t going to China, and all the blue didn’t appeal to me.  But this one? 12 pretty eye shades.  One for each day of Christmas! (And their 24/7 Glide-On Eye Pencils are the best.)

I’m One-Third of a S.I.F.

Beef coined this term to stand for “Single-Income Family.”  Staying at home is a blessing that means I get to spend every day taking care of my sweet baby and making waffles with the waffle iron more mornings than not, but it also means not doing everything the way maybe I used to.  So don’t get her something practical.  Get her something nice.  Cause, you know, she’s nice.

  • Boots!  This weekend, I used a pair of pliers to repair the jagged metal zipper that probably will give me Lock Jaw one day on my almost decade-old Target boots.  They’re fixed, and they’re fine.  But that doesn’t mean I can’t dream.  Before I quit my job, I was on Year Three of The Hunt for New Boots. My options are limited because I’m cursed with super-skinny calves. Hey, people who got here by Googling “boots for skinny narrow calves?” Try these Calvin Klein Herminas.  I didn’t get a chance to before the new world S.I.F. order.

 

  • Yes, I know that getting a gift certificate to my hair salon or nail place is kind of like handing over an envelope of cash.  But it would be a nice gesture to say, “Hey, Wonderful Wife– you deserve it!”
  • An envelope of cash.  Just kidding.  The second-best part of Christmas is knowing someone cares enough about you to think of something thoughtful.  SO BE THOUGHTFUL. What’s the first-best part? That’s easy.

 

Diapers for Hurricane Sandy Babies

What a great idea!  Diapers.com and its partner sites are making it easy to donate essentials to those in need on the East Coast.  Considering how paralyzed I feel when I go out without a pacifier in my diaper bag, I can’t imagine what it would be like to be without diapers and formula… or for that matter, cat food and litter.

Make a donation towards baby, pet or household items that are so badly needed right now by clicking here.

That’s one online shopping cart I feel great about checking out.

Holiday 2012 Wishlist

Here’s a few things I think are Christmakkahtacular this holiday season…

Right?!? The chickens are the cutest! No, the turtles… no, the OTTERS…

 

 

After a year of wear and tear, Posey’s orange gingham sheets are pretty grungy and barely stretch over the mattress anymore.  This paisley pattern is girly… without being too cupcake-y.  Is it too soon for a nursery makeover?

 

This is the only item of clothing she’s owned in every single size so far.  I’m devastated that she’s about to be on the biggest ones!

 

Beef is a Master Puzzler, and it’s a hobby he hopes to pass on to his daughter.  I guess it’s never too early to get started– and these puzzles are just about at her level.

This is what I’ve decided to get my girl for Christmas.  Her #1 hobby right now is slapping coffee tables.  Recently, after witnessing Posey go hog wild slappin’ and squealin’ in her living room, a friend’s six-year-old daughter said to me, “You know what you should get her? Her own table.”  Brilliant idea, kid. (Sold all over– Diapers.com has the best price, but it’s temporarily out of stock)

What’s on your baby’s wishlist this year?

 

 

10 More Types of Moms on Facebook

Part two of my last HuffPo piece.  Read it here!  For those of you coming here via the HuffPost mobile app, it seems the content (which is a chart) isn’t visible on mobile devices. So I’m posting the text below!

 10 More Types of Moms on Facebook

I heard ya, loud and clear!  Seems I left quite a few of us off The 10 Types of Moms on Facebook.  Thanks to your responses, I added to the list.  Think we can get to 100

1. The Blue Ribbon Mom: How will the world know her children are prodigies unless she endlessly boasts about them?

Typical Status: “Phillip took 1st place in the pre-K talent show with his dead-on impression of Sir Anthony Hopkins doing Hamlet while riding backwards on a horse!  SO PROUD!”

2. The Au Naturale Mom: She would never judge you for getting your kids vaccinated.  She’s too busy washing her cloth diapers in the river and after photographing her kids in a field of sunflowers. (Note: NOT in an Anne Geddes kind of way)

Typical Status: “Anyone got any good placenta recipes? I’m so sick of the one I usually make.”

3. The Potty Training Mom: What’s that sound?  I think I just heard a plop and a tinkle in my news feed!

Typical Status: “Charlie made a #2 in the potty today!  Three cheers for his clean underpants!”

4. The Mommyjacker: How does she do it?  How does she manage to make every single one of your status updates into something about her kids?  On a totally unrelated side note, Liam Neeson is such a badass in Taken 2 as a former CIA agent!:

Comment: “Little Eleanor hasn’t “taken” one, two OR three naps today!  Does Liam Neeson have any current experience as a CIO (cry it out) agent?” (*Note: This joke was funnier when I wrote it– a month ago.  So imagine this is something witty and Argo-related)

5. The Paranoid Mom: Not a picture, not an update, not a personal bit of anything.  After all, basically everyone is out to get her and her kids– she saw that segment on the news about cyberstalking.

Typical Status: “Nice weather we’re having today! Might rain, though.”

6. The Show Me the Money Mom: Girl Scout cookies. Popcorn. Wrapping Paper. Her kids are selling it all, and lucky for you, you can pay her in cash at her next Stella & Dot jewelry party!

Typical Status: “Libby’s school is raising money for their French Riviera trip! Help her reach her goal of $36,000 by buying Neil Lane diamond chip cookie dough.”

7. The Hangover Mom: No, not that kind of hangover.  I mean a baby hangover.  This mom can’t let go… no matter how old her kids get.

Typical Status: “Look how adorable 40-year-old Betty looks on her first day of being Miss Big Girl Bank Vice President!” (Note: She always seems to forget to update her status about Little “Mr. Big Boy Correctional Institution” Jimmy.)

8. The Just Rejoined Civilization Mom: Her kids are finally grown and out of the house.  Welcome back to the world, my friend.  There’s so much you’ve missed.

Typical Status: “OMG! You guys have to watch this– I can’t stop crying!” (Note: “This” refers to a link to Susan Boyle’s original audition clip from Britain’s Got Talent.)

9. The Means Well Mom: No matter how many times you send her the link to Snopes proving it’s a hoax, she won’t stop posting fantastical claims about online privacy changes and household items allegedly made with asbestos and/or dynamite.

Typical Status: “Warning! New study proves (insert name of the only food your kid will eat) contains non FDA-approved levels of arsenic and human hair!”

10. The Aspirational Mom: Sometimes, when I can’t sleep, I click through every one of her photo albums, admire her perfect teeth, laugh out loud at the hilarious thing her kid said today…. and wish I was her.  Shhh. Our secret.

Typical Status: “Liz Kozak, please stop Facebook stalking me.”