10 More Types of Moms on Facebook

Part two of my last HuffPo piece.  Read it here!  For those of you coming here via the HuffPost mobile app, it seems the content (which is a chart) isn’t visible on mobile devices. So I’m posting the text below!

 10 More Types of Moms on Facebook

I heard ya, loud and clear!  Seems I left quite a few of us off The 10 Types of Moms on Facebook.  Thanks to your responses, I added to the list.  Think we can get to 100

1. The Blue Ribbon Mom: How will the world know her children are prodigies unless she endlessly boasts about them?

Typical Status: “Phillip took 1st place in the pre-K talent show with his dead-on impression of Sir Anthony Hopkins doing Hamlet while riding backwards on a horse!  SO PROUD!”

2. The Au Naturale Mom: She would never judge you for getting your kids vaccinated.  She’s too busy washing her cloth diapers in the river and after photographing her kids in a field of sunflowers. (Note: NOT in an Anne Geddes kind of way)

Typical Status: “Anyone got any good placenta recipes? I’m so sick of the one I usually make.”

3. The Potty Training Mom: What’s that sound?  I think I just heard a plop and a tinkle in my news feed!

Typical Status: “Charlie made a #2 in the potty today!  Three cheers for his clean underpants!”

4. The Mommyjacker: How does she do it?  How does she manage to make every single one of your status updates into something about her kids?  On a totally unrelated side note, Liam Neeson is such a badass in Taken 2 as a former CIA agent!:

Comment: “Little Eleanor hasn’t “taken” one, two OR three naps today!  Does Liam Neeson have any current experience as a CIO (cry it out) agent?” (*Note: This joke was funnier when I wrote it– a month ago.  So imagine this is something witty and Argo-related)

5. The Paranoid Mom: Not a picture, not an update, not a personal bit of anything.  After all, basically everyone is out to get her and her kids– she saw that segment on the news about cyberstalking.

Typical Status: “Nice weather we’re having today! Might rain, though.”

6. The Show Me the Money Mom: Girl Scout cookies. Popcorn. Wrapping Paper. Her kids are selling it all, and lucky for you, you can pay her in cash at her next Stella & Dot jewelry party!

Typical Status: “Libby’s school is raising money for their French Riviera trip! Help her reach her goal of $36,000 by buying Neil Lane diamond chip cookie dough.”

7. The Hangover Mom: No, not that kind of hangover.  I mean a baby hangover.  This mom can’t let go… no matter how old her kids get.

Typical Status: “Look how adorable 40-year-old Betty looks on her first day of being Miss Big Girl Bank Vice President!” (Note: She always seems to forget to update her status about Little “Mr. Big Boy Correctional Institution” Jimmy.)

8. The Just Rejoined Civilization Mom: Her kids are finally grown and out of the house.  Welcome back to the world, my friend.  There’s so much you’ve missed.

Typical Status: “OMG! You guys have to watch this– I can’t stop crying!” (Note: “This” refers to a link to Susan Boyle’s original audition clip from Britain’s Got Talent.)

9. The Means Well Mom: No matter how many times you send her the link to Snopes proving it’s a hoax, she won’t stop posting fantastical claims about online privacy changes and household items allegedly made with asbestos and/or dynamite.

Typical Status: “Warning! New study proves (insert name of the only food your kid will eat) contains non FDA-approved levels of arsenic and human hair!”

10. The Aspirational Mom: Sometimes, when I can’t sleep, I click through every one of her photo albums, admire her perfect teeth, laugh out loud at the hilarious thing her kid said today…. and wish I was her.  Shhh. Our secret.

Typical Status: “Liz Kozak, please stop Facebook stalking me.”

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