Part two of my last HuffPo piece. Read it here! For those of you coming here via the HuffPost mobile app, it seems the content (which is a chart) isn’t visible on mobile devices. So I’m posting the text below!
10 More Types of Moms on Facebook
I heard ya, loud and clear! Seems I left quite a few of us off The 10 Types of Moms on Facebook. Thanks to your responses, I added to the list. Think we can get to 100
1. The Blue Ribbon Mom: How will the world know her children are prodigies unless she endlessly boasts about them?
Typical Status: “Phillip took 1st place in the pre-K talent show with his dead-on impression of Sir Anthony Hopkins doing Hamlet while riding backwards on a horse! SO PROUD!”
2. The Au Naturale Mom: She would never judge you for getting your kids vaccinated. She’s too busy washing her cloth diapers in the river and after photographing her kids in a field of sunflowers. (Note: NOT in an Anne Geddes kind of way)
Typical Status: “Anyone got any good placenta recipes? I’m so sick of the one I usually make.”
3. The Potty Training Mom: What’s that sound? I think I just heard a plop and a tinkle in my news feed!
Typical Status: “Charlie made a #2 in the potty today! Three cheers for his clean underpants!”
4. The Mommyjacker: How does she do it? How does she manage to make every single one of your status updates into something about her kids? On a totally unrelated side note, Liam Neeson is such a badass in Taken 2 as a former CIA agent!:
Comment: “Little Eleanor hasn’t “taken” one, two OR three naps today! Does Liam Neeson have any current experience as a CIO (cry it out) agent?” (*Note: This joke was funnier when I wrote it– a month ago. So imagine this is something witty and Argo-related)
5. The Paranoid Mom: Not a picture, not an update, not a personal bit of anything. After all, basically everyone is out to get her and her kids– she saw that segment on the news about cyberstalking.
Typical Status: “Nice weather we’re having today! Might rain, though.”
6. The Show Me the Money Mom: Girl Scout cookies. Popcorn. Wrapping Paper. Her kids are selling it all, and lucky for you, you can pay her in cash at her next Stella & Dot jewelry party!
Typical Status: “Libby’s school is raising money for their French Riviera trip! Help her reach her goal of $36,000 by buying Neil Lane diamond chip cookie dough.”
7. The Hangover Mom: No, not that kind of hangover. I mean a baby hangover. This mom can’t let go… no matter how old her kids get.
Typical Status: “Look how adorable 40-year-old Betty looks on her first day of being Miss Big Girl Bank Vice President!” (Note: She always seems to forget to update her status about Little “Mr. Big Boy Correctional Institution” Jimmy.)
8. The Just Rejoined Civilization Mom: Her kids are finally grown and out of the house. Welcome back to the world, my friend. There’s so much you’ve missed.
Typical Status: “OMG! You guys have to watch this– I can’t stop crying!” (Note: “This” refers to a link to Susan Boyle’s original audition clip from Britain’s Got Talent.)
9. The Means Well Mom: No matter how many times you send her the link to Snopes proving it’s a hoax, she won’t stop posting fantastical claims about online privacy changes and household items allegedly made with asbestos and/or dynamite.
Typical Status: “Warning! New study proves (insert name of the only food your kid will eat) contains non FDA-approved levels of arsenic and human hair!”
10. The Aspirational Mom: Sometimes, when I can’t sleep, I click through every one of her photo albums, admire her perfect teeth, laugh out loud at the hilarious thing her kid said today…. and wish I was her. Shhh. Our secret.
Typical Status: “Liz Kozak, please stop Facebook stalking me.”