Rating the Disney Princesses: From Skinniest to Fattest

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Come on, give me a break! Could you imagine? Oh, wait. It kinda happened. Read Harley Pasternak’s stupid blog, and then come on back real quick-like.

I wrote about it today on The Huffington Post. Read it here. And then let’s you and me make a plan to have Ashley Tisdale’s jaw un-wired shut, okay?

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Let the Jessica Simpson Parade Begin

Ok, folks… here’s how she looked at LAX yesterday:

But today marks the big public “reveal” of her Body After Baby on the series premiere of Katie Couric’s new talk show.  What will she wear? What will she say? Will she finally admit how much weight she gained??? Doubt it, since she’s a spokesperson for a company that claims it doesn’t focus on the number.  And if Weight Watchers is smart, they’ll debut Jessica’s first commercial during the show, too.

Tune in for the big interview, and let me know what you think!

5 Snacks To Help Lose the Baby Weight

Poor Jessica Simpson.  She never had a chance.  Baby Maxwell is 10 weeks old, which means the world has continued to call her fat for 70 days.  Despite her reported $4 million-deal with Weight Watchers, it appears the baby weight isn’t melting off the way she… or I…or probably YOU… thought it would.

I’ve been told that women should aim to eat 30 grams of protein for breakfast every day. That’s a lot. Like, five eggs.  Gross.  Who could do that?  So here are five quick and easy snacks that helped get me back on track*.

*But I’m no Jessica Alba. Sigh.

1.  Nature Valley Protein  Bars

Since Posey naps around 10 and around 3, I find that a lot of days we’re out and about during lunchtime.  These bars– which Costco sells in a giant 24 pack– are the perfect snack to keep in your diaper bag. Self-contained, you can eat while driving (just the peanut butter dark chocolate ones– the almond ones are way messier for some reason) and 10 grams of protein.

2.  Light String Cheese

Again, easy to take on the road, portion-controlled and only 50 calories with 6 grams of protein. I’m a Sargento girl.

3.  Stretch Island Fruit Leather

These were an impulse buy at Costco a few months ago, and I’ve never looked back.  45 calories, all-natural ingredients, no added sugar.  I keep them in the diaper bag with the protein bars.  You can’t get enough fiber, you know what I’m saying? Which reminds me, the gummy fiber supplement inventor deserves an award.

4.  Kashi 7 Grain Waffles

I usually have one of these for breakfast, along with two slices of turkey sausage or nitrate-free turkey bacon from Trader Joe’s, but they make a great snack, too.  Remember: no white flour!

5. Protein Smoothie (approx. 220 calories, 16 grams protein)

I started replacing cow milk with almond milk a few months ago.  Some people argue that dairy causes an excess of mucus in the gut– causing belly fat, but science has proven that’s pretty much bunk.  However, I do sort of subscribe to the thinking that lady-cow milk is for hungry baby cows who need to gain 2000 pounds, so I try to limit my intake to the bare necessities: cheese and Skinny Cow ice creams cones.  Therefore, I use almond milk in coffee and smoothies, like this one:

  • 3/4 c. unsweetened vanilla almond milk
  • 2 scoops vanilla Aria protein powder (I get it at Trader Joe’s)
  • 1 banana (or peach, or whatever fruit you have on hand)
  • 3 ice cubes
  • a pinch of cinnamon

Blend all ingredients in a blender and enjoy for breakfast or as an afternoon pick-me-up!

Jess, we’re rooting for you.

Liz Lemon, I presume.

Over the last week, I decided to do something completely unlike me. So I took a short-term job working at lululemon‘s first U.S. warehouse sale. And by “took a job,” I don’t mean signed on as a PR consultant or advised them on their media strategy. I straight up unpacked boxes and worked the cash registers. I made chit chat with guests.  I asked them if they found everything ok. I used their first names after I saw their credit cards. I made eye contact. Sort of. It was good, honest, on-your-feet work, and I liked it. Until I saw people I knew from high school.

I used to have an Important Career. Four months ago, I gave it up. There is a part of me that isn’t ready to accept that I am now a stay-at-homer.  Or a warehouse-sale-in-a-convention-center girl. Was I embarrassed to be spotted there? Not really, because it was a cool event. But what if the people who saw me thought, “That’s all she’s up to?” Would I care?

Would you?

I feel like I’d be lying to you all if I didn’t tell you I went to a Zumba class last night.

It’s true.

In my quest to lose the remaining baby weight that requires me to fasten my pants with a jerry-rigged hair band, I’m trying anything. So last night, I stood in the back right corner of the Zumba room at my gym and sweated to the beat of A Man Named Victor. Depending on who you talked to, Victor is either a revered genius, a samba-ing Joel Osteen-meets-Ricky Martin,  or a really terrible teacher.

Pro-Victor: Women were lined up early, squealing to tell me how I lucky I was to be there, as the regular teacher was absent and a sub was teaching.”VICTOR IS THE BEST, OMYMYGOD YOU CAME ON THE BEST NIGHT!”

Anti-Victor: After shaking her head in disgust and grapevine-defiance for 25 minutes, the woman next to me literally stormed out of the class after telling me that “THIS is NOT Zumba.” She assured me that the truest, purest form was only to be achieved on Friday nights at 6:30 with Jessica. This sentiment was backed up by another woman, who interestingly enough was one of the women who, just minutes before, assured me I was in for the best 55 minutes of my life. A Victor defector.

I may never know who was right. I may never know which side of the fence I stand on. The only thing I DO know is that Victor was wearing this:

Except it was the tank top version.